I often get asked by individuals "Counseling, how do I know when it’s time to quit?"
It’s a difficult question to ask yourself or anyone else for that matter.
Based on my experience helping hundreds of people save their marriage, I’d recommend that if separation and divorce is an option for you from a moral perspective before you go down that route, you first try at least for a year to make your marriage work!
Yes, a FULL year!
You've already invested so much of your energy, time, and heart into the marriage, so why not invest in at least a year of putting your best efforts into it after you think it could be time to quit?
Remember, there’s no turning back once you’ve made the decision to call it quits. Your life, as well as your children’s lives, will never be the same again and it is extremely important that you're conscious of the fact that you did everything in your power to make it work.
If you decide to end your marriage, you don’t want there to be a shred of doubt in your mind.
I've helped countless already divorced individuals get through the pain and stress to create a new life. One thing many of them struggle with is the guilt or regret of not trying harder or for longer. They wonder "What if I…" or "If only I did …"
You want to know in your heart of hearts that you gave it your all.
It is absolutely crucial that you have a healthy closure to enable you to move on with your life and hopefully onto another relationship.
When I give this advice, some say to me: "Nicola, I’m scared to waste another year."
To which I reply, "Yes I know, I’d be scared also to waste a year also and that’s exactly what will happen if you stay and do nothing or stay and relate and react to each other in exactly the same way."
However, if you change things, make an investment of at least one year to learn new relationship and connection building skills, and implement new strategies, then it could be the most important journey of your life.
Should you be fortunate enough to save your marriage, it will be the best one-year investment you’ve ever spent. And, should you not be successful, don’t ever think that you’ve wasted a year of your life because your efforts will impact the rest of your life and, possibly, your next relationship.
All too often, I’ve seen spouses throwing in the towel prematurely, and as a result of not reaching "closure" in one relationship, they find themselves in the same situation a few years later with someone else.
Truthfully, this has happened in my own relationships. Instead of staying when things got tough and working them out, I ran and found myself in the same situation again. This enabled me to spot relationship patterns and help others to change them.
If after one year of trying everything in your power to make your marriage work, you’re still miserable, then you should consider moving on. Until then, hang in there and never give up. Learn everything you can, try new approaches to rebuilding the love, connection, and passion.
One of the things about me is that I don’t believe it’s too late. It’s NEVER too late! I'm not saying this because I am an eternal optimist or believe that one should always think positive.
NO, I believe it is NEVER too late because, very often, a turning point in a marriage is when it hits rock bottom. Often, it takes for a person to hit an all-time low before they change and start the repair and healing process.
I’ve seen marriages turned around after couples have been separated for months, threats of divorce have been made, affairs have occurred, or where one has shared that they no longer love or find their partner attractive anymore.
Don’t give up if you haven’t given it your all.
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